Sibling Rivalry
by The Urban Spaceman
Summary: Thor and Loki must put aside their differences and attempt to live in peace on Midgard. But adapting to life on a new planet isn't easy for the brothers, and they quickly fall into old habits. Featuring Hulk, dating apps, and... Justin Bieber? A series of roughly connected shorts. SPOILERS for Ragnarok. Ch1: The Slander of Loki. Ch2: Dating on Midgard. Ch3: Good Doggy.
1. The Slander of Loki

Sibling Rivalry

 _1\. The Slander of Loki_

 _In which Loki decides to read what the mortals wrote about him in the Poetic Edda._

* * *

Loki paced the length of the earth-and-log cabin that was currently his home. He hated the thing, but the locals seemed to think it was an appropriate construction design for Asgardians. In truth, the design wasn't overly bad, but _earth? Wood?_ He felt like some Vanir peasant, rather than a Prince of the Nine Realms.

After an insufferably long wait, Astrid, the woman designated a liaison to the Asgardian refugees by what passed for a leadership on this world, appeared in his open doorway. She'd only had the job for a month, but she already looked ready to quit. Loki suspected Thor's constant demands for mead and hair stylists were starting to grate on her.

"You asked to see me, Loki?" Astrid asked. She was a pleasing enough woman to look at, for a mortal. A shame she wasn't a few hundred years older. She looked old enough to be his mother, and yet was still a child, in terms of Asgardian lifespans.

"I summoned you an hour ago," he said. "What took you so long?"

"Believe it or not, I have a very busy schedule. There are almost two-thousand Asgardians on—"

Loki held up his hand to stall her onslaught of _oh woe is me, I have a lot of work to do._ It was as if she didn't even _like_ the job she was doing, and Loki knew for a fact she was being well compensated, financially speaking.

"I am bored," he told her. "I require entertainment. A play, perhaps. I used to throw the most magnificent theatricals, back when I was Odin. My favourite was 'The Death of Loki.' Actually, that was the only play the troupe performed. But it _was_ a crowd-pleaser!" A fair maiden or two had even shed a tear for the heroic God of Mischief.

"We can't bring in any more entertainers," Astrid said. "Not after what you did to the last one."

"I asked for a minstrel, and you sent me a child with an even worse haircut than Thor's! He might not have been so bad if his voice wasn't as high-pitched and girlish as a Valkyrie's. In fact, I know a Valkyrie with a more masculine voice than that eunuch-child's."

"Justin Bieber was considered a very popular singer."

"And now he's a very popular frog," said Loki, unable to help the smug tone in his voice.

Astrid consulted her communications-device, her fingers flying over the bright screen. "Speaking of which, we've had another request from his mother and his agent, not to mention several million of his Twitter fans, to turn him back."

Loki aimed a very pointed glare at the frog in the terrarium at the other side of the longhouse. "Not until he promises to never sing again."

" _Ribbit."_

"Fine, you stay as you are." He dismissed the frog and turned back to Astrid. "Now, please organise suitable entertainment for me. I'm getting bored, and you won't like me when I'm bored."

Her expression said she didn't like him even when he _wasn't_ bored, but she very sensibly didn't give voice to the sentiment. "Oh, very well." She sighed— _sighed!_ —as she reached into her handbag. He considered turning her into something small and rodent-like as punishment for her impudence. That was, until she brought out what looked like a larger version of her communications device. "Here, take this."

He accepted it, and turned it over in his hands a few times. " _This_ is what passes for entertainment on this world? I've had more fun on Vanaheim, and the Vanir idea of fun is wrestling wild boar in the nude."

Astrid reached out and pressed a button on the device. It hummed silently to life, the screen glaringly bright.

"What manner of _thing_ is this?"

"It's called a tablet," she explained. "It has a music player, a video player, and a WiFi connection. You can use it to listen to songs, watch plays, read books, or commit online fraud. Have fun."

"Wait, woman! How do I use this 'tablet'?" he demanded.

"See that big round speaker-icon button right there?" she asked, pointing at the screen. "Press that, then speak your desire. The tablet will do the rest."

She left him with the magical wish-granting tablet, and Loki settled down into the luxury pleather chair gifted to him by the Norwegian government. Once he was comfortable, he pressed the button.

"If I am to observe plays, I shall require sustenance. Bring me a flagon of mead, and some of that popped-corn I've been hearing so much about."

A feminine voice responded from the tablet, but it didn't sound like a _real_ voice. " _Here are the different ways of preparing popcorn."_

"Preparing? I don't want to prepare it, I want it brought to me!"

There was no response. Perhaps the tablet-maiden couldn't handle something as complex as popped corn. He pressed the button again. "I wish to read about myself, Loki, God of Mischief."

This was more like it! The tablet was resplendent with listings of his glorious adventures. He started with one that sounded very promising: the Poetic Edda. It was time to find out exactly what the people of Midgard were saying about him.

* * *

"How is that, sire?" the stylist asked.

Thor turned his head from side to side, examining his profile in the mirror from all angles. Despair welled inside his heart.

"It's terrible! I barely look any different!"

"It will take time. Rome wasn't built in a day, you know."

"Forget about Rome, this is my hair! Do you have any idea how long it took me to grow it to that length? The amount of conditioner I had to procure? I told the supplier it was all for Mother and Sif, but it wasn't, it was for me."

 _"They think I did WHAT?!"_

The anguished cry echoed down the corridors of the longhouse complex. Thor gave the stylist his gentlest pat on the shoulder. "Thank you, my good man. You've done your best under difficult circumstances. Now, please excuse me; I fear my brother is engaging in further mischief. I must see to him before he turns more eunuchs into frogs."

He strode down the corridor towards Loki's quarters and automatically reached for Mjölnir. Too many times had he done that, lately. But the weapon forged in, or from—he wasn't always clear on which—the heart of a dying star, had met its end above the fjords of the country he now called home.

For a wonder, Loki wasn't embroiled in chaos and mischief when Thor strode into his quarters; instead, he sat in his beloved black pleather chair, holding one of those tab-lutt things in his hands. Judging by the expression of anger on his pale face, though, he wasn't far off performing another act of amphibianisation.

"What troubles you, brother?" Thor asked.

"What troubles me? _This_ troubles me!" Loki poked his fingers against the surface of the tab-lutt. Have you seen what the mortals have been writing about me? Apparently, I fathered that oversized lapdog, Fenrir. And Jörmungandr itself! I wasn't even born when Jörmungandr was old, how could I have fathered it?"

Thor nodded in agreement. "And you've hardly had the best track record with the maide—"

"Hey, do _not_ go there," Loki snarled. He swished his hand over the tab-lutt to turn the page. "Fathering monsters isn't even the worst of it. Somebody here wrote that I'm the _mother_ of Sleipnir. Sleipnir!"

"Wasn't that Father's old horse?"

"Yes! And as I recall, _you_ were the one who stole it from the stable for a joy-ride! You and Volstagg. Father had to get a new one when you crashed it into Vanaheim."

"Ah yes, I remember." Good times. Good times. "But we were only children at the time, no older than two or three!"

" _Thousand_ ," Loki added. He glared at the tab-lutt, his blue eyes murderous. "How could they _possibly_ think I'm both a mother and father to all manner of strange beasts? Don't they know that's not how nature works?"

"Well, there _was_ that time you pretended to be a snake," Thor reminded him.

"Performing a minor party trick and spawning actual monsters are two entirely different things!" His fingers danced once more over the tab-lutt before he turned it around and held it right up to Thor's face. "And look here, they claim I killed Baldr."

"Baldr?" The name rang a bell, vaguely. "That tavern drunkard who called you a—"

"Yes! I mean, we fought, of course, and I soundly thrashed him"—Funny, but Thor didn't remember it that way—"but I didn't _slay_ him, and I certainly didn't arrange for his brutal murder." He sank dejectedly into his chair. "How can this be? Why have the mortals been told so many lies about me?"

"Oh, uh, I, um… it must've been Baldr." Thor scratched his itchy beard. Definitely nothing to do with that time he and Hogun had come on a drinking party to Midgard, gotten absolutely sloshed, and told a bunch of mortals, including an inquisitive bard, a few tall tales about the God of Mischief.

"No wonder these primitive apes hate me," Loki sulked. "They've spent several thousand years believing I'm some sort of Asgardian-slaying, monster-spawning philanderer!"

"Err, actually, I think they mostly hate you because you went on a mind-controlling slaughter-spree before unleashing a bloodthirsty alien armada on their planet."

"And that's the lesser of the evils I've been accused of!" Loki turned his gaze back to the glowing screen. "Let's see what other lies these mortals have been taught about m—Hey!" The glowing screen promptly went blank. Loki shook the tab-lutt. "Do my bidding, device: I command you to show me more!"

"I believe it ran out of power," Thor suggested. Mortal devices were always doing that. Power, electricity, global warming… it was a complex cycle. "It just needs recharging. I think I have a spare charger in my room, if you want to borrow one."

"No need, I'll just recharge it using the greatest power of all: magic!"

"Brother, I don't think that's such a good i—"

Too late. Loki lifted his hands and cast a spell. The tab-lutt exploded into a thousand tiny fragments, much like Mjölnir at Hela's touch. Why must his siblings always destroy things?!

They managed to waft most of the acrid black smoke out through a window. Coughing and spluttering on the lingering plastic fumes, they surveyed the shiny mess the tab-lutt had left on Loki's floor.

"It was clearly faulty," the God of Mischief declared, with a glare that defied Thor to argue with him.

Thor didn't bother. He was starting to learn that sometimes, there was just no arguing with family.

* * *

 _Author's note: Thanks for reading! I have a few chapters pre-written, so this story will update every Wednesday, at least until the New Year. If you have an idea for a stand-alone piece you'd like to see in this story, drop me a PM, and if I like it, I'll write it and credit you for the idea._


	2. Dating on Midgard

Sibling Rivalry

 _2\. Dating on Midgard_

 _In which Loki 'accidentally' installs a dating app on his new tablet._

* * *

 _You have an incoming message from_ **lokiesfangril69** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Open Message

[lokiesfangril69]: ru loki

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Yes, rue me!

[lokiesfangril69]: i ship u

[Loki, God of Mischief]: A ship, you say? Fabulous news. Please send it immediately to this desolate hell-hole they call 'Norway.'

[lokiesfangril69]: i ship u with thor

[Loki, God of Mischief]: I'd prefer it if my brother didn't come along, actually, he's a bit of a bore. Always complaining and nagging. "Oh, Loki, don't do this." "Come on, Loki, don't do that." "Say, why don't we do 'get help' again?" It really wears thin after a couple of hundred years.

[lokiesfangril69]: it's slash

[Loki, God of Mischief]: / ?

[lokiesfangril69]: no, u and thor together

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Yes, growing up with Thor was a real challenge. I suppose all brothers have their stories.

[lokiesfangril69]: i mean together in bed

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Oh, he told you about that time his bed got infested with bed-bugs and Mother made him share with me? It was no fun at all. He's quite flatulent, you know.

[lokiesfangril69]: r u dense?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Well, in relation to my size, my mass is slightly greater than the average mortal's. So yes, I guess you could say that comparatively speaking, I'm quite dense.

[lokiesfangril69]: slash means 2 guys gettin it on

[Loki, God of Mischief]: …

[Loki, God of Mischief]: ...Are you *sick*? We're brothers!

[lokiesfangril69]: ur not really brothers, and anyways, i ship rey and kylo ren too, and they are more closely related tahn u 2

[Loki, God of Mischief]: I'm not familiar with those Asgardians. Are they on Earth?

[lokiesfangril69]: they aren't Assguardians, one is like a jedi and the other is like a sith and everyone knows they are cuzins even tho kylo ren is evil.

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Evil, you say? In that case, send him to see me. I wish to discuss a potential alliance.

[lokiesfangril69]: lol he's not real dude it's all in a movie

[Loki, God of Mischief]: …

[You have terminated the conversation]

* * *

 _You have an incoming message from_ **Bunny111** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Open Message.

[Bunny111]: Hey hunny.

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Hey Bunny.

[Bunny111]: How's it hanging?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Oh, you know, just relaxing in my new home, looking for some like-minded companions to converse with.

[Bunny111]: Yah.

[Bunny111]: I totally get it.

[Bunny111]: So. Are you a king now?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: No, but you know what? I'm tired of trying to be a king. I thought it would make people like me, but it only made them hate me more. I think I'm going to concentrate on becoming the Earth's greatest sorcerer SCREW YOU DR. STUPID and then I can get to know people for who they are, and they can get to know me and like me for who I am instead of what throne I might one day be seated upon.

[Bunny111]: Yah.

[Bunny111]: Totally.

[Bunny111]: So, can you introduce me to your brother?

[You have terminated the conversation]

* * *

 _You have an incoming message from_ **PeppermintT** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Open Message.

[PeppermintT]: Wow, God of Mischief! This is so cool! Thank you so much for opening my message. I bet you get a whole lot of crazies messaging you, right?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Like you would not believe.

[Loki, God of Mischief]: I like your name, by the way. It's fresh.

[PeppermintT]: Haha. Good one. So, how are you finding life on Earth?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: It has its highs and its lows. For example, the weather is atrocious. I think the Allfather telling us to make Norway our new home was his last great joke on us. It swarms with mosquitoes in summer, and is as cold as Jötunheimr in winter. I mean, I'm part frost-giant, and even I hate it!

[PeppermintT]: Oh, that sucks. I'm from Canada, and it gets pretty cold here too. But you know what? Cold weather just gives you an excuse to stay in bed and snuggle up with someone warm. ;)

[Loki, God of Mischief]: ...I never thought of it like that. Though it's not like I have anybody to 'snuggle' up with, here. A living rock, a drunken Valkyrie, my sulking flatulent brother, or the world's angriest man.

[PeppermintT]: Aren't there any nice Asgardian women you could get to know a little better? Sometimes it pays to have friends with benefits!

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Oh, there are plenty of women, but they aren't really my type. A lot of them are married, or mourning their slaughtered husbands and sons and uncles and fathers and whatnot. Hela did a real number on the Einherjar. Plus, some of them are still a *little* miffed that I managed to pull the wool over their eyes for so long when I was masquerading as Odin.

[PeppermintT]: They just don't appreciate your talents.

[PeppermintT]: Well, if you're ever in Canada on a cold winter eve, feel free to look me up! ;)

[Loki, God of Mischief]: I certainly shall!

[Loki, God of Mischief]: You seem much more coherent and intelligent than the previous people who sent me messages, and you clearly have impeccable taste. Might I enquire your name?

[PeppermintT]: Frank.

[You have terminated the conversation]

* * *

 _You have an incoming message from_ **YourDarkSin** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Open Message.

[YourDarkSin]: Hi there!

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Greetings, mortal.

[YourDarkSin]: What are u wearing right now?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: The blood-soaked skulls of my fallen enemies.

[YourDarkSin]: lol that's so cute!

[You have terminated the conversation]

* * *

 _You have an incoming message from_ **lokiesfangril69** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Open Message.

[lokiesfangril69]: who has most scars, u or thor

[lokiesfangril69]: it's for a scene

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Didn't I already speak with you once?

[lokiesfangril69]: wot? no, it must of been sum1 else. this 1st time i msg u

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Hmm. Okay. The answer is, Thor has the most *physical* scars, but I have the most *emotional* scars. It's because of how I was kidnapped from my home as a newborn baby, you see. And then I was lied to my whole life, led to believe I was meant to lead Asgard, when in fact I was nothing but a tool, a bridge between two worlds at war.

[lokiesfangril69]: sounds heavy

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Yes, it was. Imagine living your whole life believing you are one thing, and then being told that everything you believed was a lie. That your family were nothing more than strangers.

[lokiesfangril69]: u and thor wud b so hot together

[Loki, God of Mischief]: …?

[lokiesfangril69]: imean u wud be a hot duo cos he can fight and you can use magic. it's like rey and kylo ren except u r not really related so it's okay to get close 2 each other. in bed.

[Loki, God of Mischief]: It *is* you! I knew it! You have given yourself away with your incompetence!

[lokiesfangril69]: rumbled. k just 1 quick question then i'll leave u alone ok?

[Loki, God of Mischief]: Fine, ask your question.

[lokiesfangril69]: when u gave birth 2 that 8 legged horse, was thor the fathe—

[You have terminated the conversation]

* * *

 _Your username has been changed from_ **Loki, God of Mischief** _to_ **PersonOfInterest**

 _You have an incoming message from_ **LonelyInLillehammer** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[PersonOfInterest]: Open Message.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Uh, hello?

[PersonOfInterest]: Hello?

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Oh, sorry! Please forgive me, this is the first time I've ever used this technology. I mean, who imagines they'll ever use a dating app?

[PersonOfInterest]: Tell me about it.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Alright. I only installed it because I recently had a bit of a rough break-up. Then things got really messy for a while, and I've only just started to feel like I can move on and find somebody else.

[PersonOfInterest]: It wasn't actually a request for you to tell me about your woes, more of a general "I understand where you're coming from" sentiment.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Oh.

[PersonOfInterest]: ...But now that you've started, why don't you tell me what went wrong with your ex? Why you broke up, I mean.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Oh, you know. Long distance relationships never work. My family and friends tried to tell me to find someone closer to home, but the heart wants what it wants.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Anyway. Person Of Interest, you sound like an interesting sort of person. Tell me a little about yourself!

[PersonOfInterest]: There's not much to tell. I'm pretty much an orphan; all my family is dead, except for my brother. At times I wish I was an only child, and at other times, I can't imagine what I'd do without my brother. Crazy as it sounds, butting heads with him has sometimes given my life meaning.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: That sounds really sweet. Sounds like you and your brother are lucky to have each other. I have a brother, too. Something of a black sheep, really. But despite his faults, I wouldn't trade him for the world.

[PersonOfInterest]: Are you really in Lillehammer, or is that just your username?

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Well, I'm not in Lillehammer now, but I was there earlier in the day. Stocking up on hair conditioner. These cold Norwegian winters are doing nothing for my split ends!

[PersonOfInterest]: ...Thor?

[LonelyInLillehammer]: ...Loki?!

[PersonOfInterest]: Um. Well. This is super awkward.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Brother, I had no idea you were looking for a woman to share your life with!

[PersonOfInterest]: ...I don't think that's what dating apps like this are used for. Anyway, I better be going before this gets even *more* awkward. Next time you're passing by my room, please bring a bag of popped corn and a pouchful of slugs.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: …

[PersonOfInterest]: The slugs are for Justin. The popped corn is for me.

[LonelyInLillehammer]: Alright. But before I sign off, I just wanted to say thank you, brother, for all those kind and wonderful things you said about m—

[You have terminated the conversation]

 _Are you sure you wish to uninstall app? All data will be lost._

 _The application has been successfully uninstalled._

* * *

 _Author's note: Just FYI, this story (obviously) works on the premise that Thor et al. did not get stopped by Thanos en route to Earth, and that the Asgardians settled in Norway as per Odin's suggestion. It is therefore non-canonical for Infinity Wars... but canonical if you're one of those crazy people who didn't sit through the credits to the first post-credits scene. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter, please type comments into box. Sending me fine single malt whisky is a suitable alternative to comments.  
_


	3. Good Doggy

Sibling Rivalry

 _3\. Good Doggy_

 _In which the Hulk brings home a stray._

* * *

" _In other news, sky-watchers last night were treated to the rare sight of a meteor blazing through the Earth's atmosphere."_ Thor turned from his assessment of his reflection in the full-length wardrobe mirror and gave the television device his full attention. " _Scientists predict the meteorite landed somewhere in the mountains of Norway, though the team dispatched to recover it found only a smoking crater."_

"Asgardians, assemble!" Thor bellowed. He reached for Mjölnir—dammit!—then reached for a sword instead. Experience had taught him that 'meteors' were rarely innocuous. Whatever this new threat was, he and his fellow refugees had a responsibility to protect the people of Midgard.

He quickly donned his cloak and rushed out to command his assembled troops. His excitement deflated a little at the sight of the lone figure. But at least Heimdall had come!

"Heimdall, my trusted friend and advisor, I'm glad you answered my call."

"Actually, I came to ask if I could borrow your television set to watch the ski finals."

"What's wrong with your own television set? It's very nice. The viewing angle is second to none."

"Loki 'accidentally' broke it," said Heimdall, with a long-suffering sigh.

Thor raised a questioning eyebrow. "You have prescient vision but still need a television set to watch sports?"

Heimdall cast his gaze to the floor and shuffled his feet. "Mumblemumble."

"Say again?"

Finally, Heimdall looked up, defeat etched on his dark-skinned face. "Skiing is Astrid's favourite sport, so when I realised it was being broadcast on television, I asked her if she wanted to consume popped corn and watch the finals with me. I'd hoped to enjoy her company in the privacy of my room, but…"

"Say no more!" Thor grinned and slapped his oldest and dearest remaining friend and confidant on the shoulder. "Heimdall, you are my oldest and dearest remaining friend and confidant, and with all you've done, you deserve a night off to enjoy the company of a female; Astrid is a fine choice! I ask only that you pick up any pieces of popped corn which you drop, and that you do not copulate on or in my bed."

Heimdall's eyes went wide, followed immediately by a scowl. "I will not be copulating anywhere. A gentleman never takes advantage of a maiden on their first tour of the Realms."

"Then by all means, borrow my room and enjoy yourselves!" Thor set off, then stopped as he remembered his original purpose. "By the way, do you know anything about that meteorite that fell in the mountains?"

"I'm sorry, your majesty, but I was looking in the other direction at the time."

"Not to worry, I'll find it, and I'll vanquish it. It's what I do."

* * *

Some furtive noise woke Loki from a pleasant dream of conquering Midgard and banishing the Avengers to Muspelheim. He pushed himself up from his bed and glanced at the alarm clock Astrid had procured for him.

Two o'clock in the afternoon?!

Somebody was going to pay dearly for waking Loki, God of Mischief, at such an un-Odinly hour!

 _"Shhhh, good doggy, be quiet."_

The Hulk wasn't quiet even at the best of times, and he somehow managed to be louder than usual in his attempts to be covert, especially when that attempt was taking place right outside Loki's room.

Something whimpered. Something out in the corridor. No doubt something entirely stupid the Hulk had done. Maybe he'd crushed a schoolbus full of children.

Blearily, Loki pushed himself out of bed and made his way towards the door. His foul mood increased with every step. Since arriving on Midgard he'd been forced to endure all manner of unpleasantries, and this interrupted sleep was the tip of the ice-monster. Rampaging rage-machine the Hulk might be, but that didn't give him the right to ruin other peoples' lives.

He yanked open the door and stepped out into the corridor. "What's all the noise out here? And why does it smell like wet do—ARGH!"

At the sight of the Hulk sheltering the soggy-furred form of Fenrir behind his green mass, one of Loki's auto-protection spells kicked in. As soon as the enchantment fired, the corridor was flooded with his illusionary doubles… and triples and quadruples.

"Hulk, what in Odin's name are you doing?!" he and his illusions demanded. Not for the first time, he silently thanked his mother for teaching him her magic.

"Hulk find lost puppy," the green menace explained. "Hulk always want puppy. Hulk bring puppy home!"

"First of all," said Loki, preparing his best scowl, "this isn't your home. I mean, it is, insofar as you originate from this planet, but this actual longhouse complex has been designated a site of Asgardian interest by the Norwegian government, and they don't want you here. In fact, nobody wants you here.

"Second, that isn't a lost puppy, you overgrown simpleton, it's Fenrir." Hulk stared blankly at him. "It's a monster." The stare did not change. "You fought it on Asgard barely two months ago!"

"Hulk not fight puppy. Hulk play with puppy!" Hulk rubbed his knuckles across Fenrir's head, and the giant wolf whined. It was a whine that said, _help me._

"You can't keep that monster," Loki insisted. "The people of Midgard already hate you _at least_ as much as they hate me. How do you think they'll feel if you unleash a giant wolf on their world?"

"Hulk not unleash. Keep on leash. Maybe unleash at dog park."

"Listen, you viridian moron—"

A deep scowl descended over Hulk's face. Fenrir whimpered. "Hulk not moron! Hulk smart like Thor!"

"Are you _honestly_ using _my brother_ as a measure of intelligence? In a serious, non-joking way?"

"Snakey-man not denigrate Thor name. Not denigrate Hulk name! RaaaaARRRRRGH!"

Loki and his illusionary doppelgangers held up their hands. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, calm down, please!"

But it was too late. The enraged Hulk rushed forward and began tearing through the Loki illusions like Hela through the Einherjar.

* * *

" _RaaaaARRRRRGH!"_

There was only one beast that could make that noise. It was a yell that sent a bone-chilling shiver up Thor's spine, and simultaneously set him sprinting towards Loki's room. There, he was met with a horrific sight.

"Oh Odin, my eye!" He quickly flung up his hand to shield his one remaining eye from further punishment. "Loki, why are you naked?"

"I'm not naked, I'm wearing underpants," said Loki, right before the very angry Hulk tore into him. Another Loki immediately popped up a few feet away.

"But where are your over-pants, and your over-shirt, and other items of clothing which I demand you put on right away?!"

"If you must know, I was sleeping, and I hate to feel restricted in bed, so I sleep in my underpants, okay? Now, if you don't mind, will you _please_ do something about this green lunatic? It's taking every ounce of power I possess to produce another illusion after he tears the current one apart. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up."

Despite the danger inherent in the situation, Thor grinned and pulled his hand away from his eye. "Isn't that what you said to that maide—"

"Brother," Loki's latest illusion snarled, "this is not the time for inappropriate and _blatantly false_ manhood jokes! Your pet wrecking ball is about to turn me into pâté, and after he's had his starters, he'll go looking for the main course."

"Okay, okay, Hulk, big guy, the sun's getting low." Thor edged forward. "Sun's getting low, Hulk. Calm your rage."

Hulk turned to him and issued a snarl worthy of Loki. "Hulk not stop till Hulk gets to keep puppy!"

Loki's head, attached to the _real_ Loki himself, appeared wide-eyed and pale from around his bedroom door. "Um, I wouldn't—"

Thor waved his brother to silence. If giving Hulk a puppy was all it took to calm him down, then Hulk would get a puppy. He'd get a whole litter of puppies, one for each day of the week. "Very well, Hulk. You can keep your puppy."

Loki groaned, and planted his face in the palm of his hand. "You idiot! See what you've done!"

Thor turned at Loki's gesture and found Hulk gleefully hugging his new puppy. "ARGH!" He leapt into Loki's room, behind the relative safety of the door. "Hulk, what is that?!"

Hulk beamed happily. "Puppy."

"But where did it come from?!"

"Puppy fell out of sky. Hulk out walking, found puppy hurt and brought him home."

"Well… you can't keep him!"

Hulk's scowl returned, and Loki whispered frantically into Thor's ear. "Brother, you've already told him he can have the monster. If you try and take it back now, he might destroy the whole planet in a tantrum. More importantly, he might destroy my whole _me!_ "

"But that's FENRIR!"

"And it's significantly less dangerous than Hulk himself."

Thor had to admit, Loki had a point. If there was anyone capable of controlling Fenrir, it was Hulk. "Fine, Hulk, you can keep your puppy." And perhaps Astrid wouldn't notice the large, smelly wolf roaming the halls.

"Yay. Hulk calling puppy 'Lassie.'"

"Um, that's actually a boy wolf," said Loki.

"Hulk calling puppy 'Justin.'"

"You can't call it Justin, that's my frog's name. You'll confuse them."

"Hulk calling puppy 'Ripper.'"

Thor could see the headlines now. _Hulk and Ripper Terrorise Oslo._ That was _not_ happening. Not while he was King of what was left of Asgard.

"How about we just call it Fenrir?" Thor suggested. "Since that's its actual name."

"Good Fenny," said Hulk, patting the wolf on the head.

"But I insist you bathe the creature, and yourself. You both smell like wet dog."

Hulk nodded. "Hulk-Fenny bath time now." He picked up the wolf and tucked it under his arm like a woman might hold a pampered lapdog, and carried it off down the corridor. The expression on Fenrir's face suggested he was sorry he'd ever been woken up by Hela.

"You know that thing is technically a magically reanimated, undead wolf-god, right?" Loki asked him.

"Yes. But I'm sure we can keep this quiet." And besides, at least now he knew what the 'meteorite' had been. Fenrir must've fallen to Earth after being carried out of Asgard in the Eternal Falls. It would save Thor a trip out to the mountains. Taking trips anywhere was more difficult now that he lacked his flying hammer. "Will you do me a favour, brother? In fact, will you do the whole world a favour?"

"Does it involve me watching over the incredibly stupid Hulk and his new pet in any way?"

"Not at all."

"Then I'd happily do you and the world a favour. What is it?"

"Put some clothes on."

* * *

 _Author's note: Today's chapter idea was provided by Fenrir's biggest fan, ForteOfTheBallad98 (www dot fanfiction dot net slash_ _u/5545105/_ _)._

 _Fenrir will return._


	4. X-MASS Cheer

Sibling Rivalry

 _4\. X-MASS Cheer_

 _In which Thor decides to celebrate a major religious holiday, but nobody really 'gets' it._

* * *

The winter snow continued to fall. Ten kilometres north of the tiny village of Hjelle, Thor, God of Thunder, swung his mighty axe at his latest foe. He swung it again and again, until finally, the green giant fell. With his foe bested, Thor trussed the thing up, slung the rope over his shoulder, and began the long trek back to what the people of Norway had affectionately named _Refugeeheim._

He reached the earth-and-log dwelling that was his home, though he had some difficulties fitting his downed foe through the front door. Luckily, Hulk had put in a Fenrir-sized 'doggy door' at the rear of the complex.

He found several of his people in the large dining hall. Loki sat with his feet up on one of the tables, engrossed in his tab-lutt, while Valkyrie and Korg engaged in a bout of arm-wrestling at another table. Heimdall's far-seeing gaze was focused on a glossy women's magazine—an article about dating, Thor noticed—and the Hulk was attempting to teach Fenrir to perform tricks by holding a shank of meat above the creature's head and yelling 'sit' at it. His success seemed to be slow.

"Friends, I have returned!" Thor announced, dragging his foe into the room.

Loki didn't even look up from his tab-lutt. "You were gone?"

"What in Hela's name is that?" Valkyrie demanded, when she spotted what he was towing.

"This is a tree!" Thor announced with a glee-filled smile.

"I can see it's a tree, but what's it doing in here? Trees are supposed to be outside, attached to the ground."

"Perhaps the mighty Thor required an opponent befitting his skill level," said Loki, grinning over his tab-lutt. "Tell me, brother, did the tree put up a valiant defence?"

"Personally," said Korg, "I think the addition of flora is a wonderful idea. Don't get me wrong, I love having a roof over my head, especially a roof without bars, but this place is a _little_ devoid of nature and life. Perhaps we could all take a class together in flower arranging!"

"Actually, this tree is a tradition on Midgard around this time of year. They call it X-MASS. A fair maiden on a dating app told me all about it, so I thought we should get into the spirit of things by celebrating X-MASS ourselves."

"Celebrate?" The frown slid from the Valkyrie's face. She abandoned the arm-wrestling and joined Thor in his inspection of the tree. "That implies alcohol."

"Freely flowing," Thor nodded.

"And singing!" said Korg.

"Much singing, yes."

"And pranks," added Loki.

"No pranking," Thor warned. "X-MASS is a time to enjoy the company of friends and family—"

"And alcohol," Valkyrie inserted swiftly.

"—and I think after everything our people have been through, we deserve a little merriment. What say you, Hulk?"

"Hulk make gingerbread men," the giant green man agreed. "Hulk _smash_ gingerbread men."

"Splendid! We'll start by decorating this tree and our home, and then we can organise gifts."

This was, Thor decided, going to be the best X-MASS ever.

* * *

Because Thor wanted to be an independent King, he did not involve their human liaison, Astrid, in his plans for X-MASS. This was something he had to do alone, for his people. _With_ his people. They had to see that he could be adaptable, and lead them into new customs as well as maintaining the old ones.

The first thing they did was erect the tree in the dining hall. When the tree refused to remain upright, Korg hauled in a bunch of boulders, and they wedged the tree between them. It added to the authenticity. Korg said it was very Feng-Shui. Thor didn't understand what that meant, but he nodded anyway. Korg was a fountain of fascinating knowledge, and Thor didn't want to appear ignorant.

After getting the tree to stay upright, they decorated it. Thor went onto the internet and acquired some tinsel from a river in South America. He wasn't sure what colour of tinsel to get, so he got one of every colour. It _was_ a big tree, after all.

His closest friends and family were depressingly predictable. Loki made baubles out of the bare, painted skulls of deceased rodents. Valkyrie hung ale bottles from strings on the largest branches of the tree. Korg crushed rocks into a fine powder, and sprinkled it over the green needles to approximate snow. Thor didn't have the heart to tell him it looked more like the fallout from a volcanic eruption.

Heimdall decided to go with Hulk's 'gingerbread man' idea, and produced a batch of beautifully decorated man-shaped cookies which he carefully positioned on the branches of the trees. Hulk just made one giant cookie in the shape of… well… Hulk. It didn't fit on the tree, so they propped it up behind it. The effect was rather menacing.

Done with the tree, they decorated the housing complex. Korg wanted to continue the floral theme, so he went out in search of beautiful flowers. Because it was mid-winter, he came back with juniper trees. Loki spent hours carving a beautiful, giant reindeer out of ice, and then used some of his magic to animate it. Ten minutes later, Fenrir had hunted it down and ripped it into tiny icicles.

Heimdall, in keeping with his newly kindled spirit of romance, suspended red paper hearts from the ceilings. It might not have been so bad if he hadn't covered them in gold glitter, too. Every time somebody brushed passed one, or a door was opened allowing a breeze to blow through the halls, a rain of glitter fell over anybody nearby. Meanwhile, Hulk's idea of Christmas decorating was to paint everything red and green. Thor managed to stop him at his bedroom.

Since he had some tinsel left over from the tree, Thor just nailed a few pieces to the walls. Valkyrie turned out to be a surprisingly good artist; she got her hands on something called 'spray paint' and depicted glorious battle-scenes over every wall large enough to be painted.

"Now what?" asked Loki, as the group surveyed their handiwork.

"Now," said Thor, "we wait."

"For what?"

"X-MASS!"

"I'm still not _exactly_ sure what this whole X-MASS thing is supposed to be, other than a major act of redecoration," said Korg. "Fine redecoration, I should add."

"It is a time of merry-making and present-giving," Thor explained. "So, go out and buy each other gifts. Wrap them up in colourful paper, so that they can be unwrapped as a surprise on X-MASS day. Once we have opened our gifts, we can spend the rest of the day singing and dancing—"

"And drinking," said Valkyrie.

"Of course!" If there was one thing Asgardians did well, it was feasting, and this year's feast was going to be a feast to end all feasts. He would make certain of it.

* * *

X-MASS day came. Thor was the first out of bed, followed shortly after by Hulk, who went to walk Fenrir before the wolf could have another little 'accident.' Fenrir had had a lot of 'accidents' recently. Thor was beginning to suspect they weren't 'accidents' at all. Especially not when the 'accidents' happened on his bed with alarming frequency.

As the others began to awaken one by one, Thor connected his tab-lutt via a dental system into the large speakers he'd installed in the dining hall, turned the volume up, and blasted out a playlist of X-MASS hits. Then he positioned himself in the corridor outside the dining hall, to greet everyone as they woke.

Valkyrie appeared first, her hair messy from sleep, a deep scowl on her face. "What is that dreadful noise? Are we being attacked?"

"No, it's somebody called"—Thor consulted the playlist—"Mariah Carey. It's a festive song to help us reach a celebratory mood."

"I don't suppose you bought me ear-plugs for X-MASS, did you?" she asked.

"No. Why?"

Heimdall was next to arise. He rushed out in full armour, carrying the mighty sword which had once been the key to the Bifrost.

"Are we being attacked?" he demanded.

"The music is not that bad," said Thor.

"You call that music? It sounds like the wailing of a thousand angry hell-cats."

"Now that you are awake, please go into the dining hall and light the ceremonial fire. You may also partake in the ceremonial coffee, with Valkyrie."

Heimdall disappeared with much grumbling, and Korg appeared just moments later. "What is that _delightful_ tune?" the rock-alien asked. "It just makes me want to tap my feet and dance for joy."

"This," said Thor, consulting the playlist once more, "was the X-MASS number one in the year 2009. It's called 'Rage Against The Machine' by somebody called 'Killing In The Name Of.'"

"Well, I love it. And is that coffee I can smell brewing from the dining room?"

"Yes, help yourself, Korg. It's nice to see one of my friends embracing the X-MASS spirit, instead of trying to attack it with pointy weapons."

"Hulk rage best rage," said Hulk. He wore a pair of stripy pyjamas—which Thor _hoped_ he hadn't gone walking Fenrir in—and dragged the wolf along by the scruff of his neck. "Better than machine rage."

"Absolutely," Thor agreed, because nobody in their right mind disagreed with Hulk over unimportant quibbles. "In fact, I think this song was named after you. Why don't you join Korg in the dining hall, and tell him of one of your infamous rages?"

"Hmph. Hulk do that. Hulk always grumpy before coffee."

There was not, Thor decided, enough coffee in the world to de-grump the Hulk.

Loki appeared last, bleary-eyed and his hair even messier than Valkyrie's. He yawned widely, and stretched his arms above his head. "Why are you playing that dreadful noise at such an unholy hour?!"

"It's eleven o'clock in the morning, Loki. And what have I told you about wearing pants in the complex?"

Loki issued him a half-hearted glare. "This is my home and I can forego pants if I want."

"Go and put some clothes on, then join us for coffee and gifts beside the ceremonial fire in the dining hall."

Grumbling, Loki disappeared back into his room.

A short time later, the entire gang was assembled around the X-MASS tree, where wrapped gifts had been left overnight. Thor reached for the first one, a blue-and-silver wrapped package, and held it up.

"Erm… to whom does this gift belong?" he asked.

"To whom do _any_ of these gifts belong?" echoed Korg, picking up another present. "How are we supposed to know whose is whose?"

"Didn't any of you put labels on your gifts?" asked Thor.

"Didn't _you_?" Loki asked pointedly.

"It slipped my mind. Heimdall, can't you peer past the wrapping to see who these gifts might belong to?"

"I am all-seeing," Heimdall said in his patient tone of voice. "That does not mean I have x-ray vision."

"Let's not dwell on the past," Thor rushed on. "This will be more fun. Anyway, brother, I know this one in particular is for you," he said, picking up a gift he'd placed just a couple of hours ago, "because I wrapped it myself. Merry X-MASS, and I hope you enjoy your gift."

Thor turned down the volume of the music as Loki tore eagerly into the wrapping. He held up his gift, showing the rest of the group the length of soft white-and-blue material, and turned a questioning gaze on his brother.

"It's what the humans call a 'onesie'," Thor explained. "It is in the style of something called an Olaf, from a moving picture called 'Frozen.' I thought it fitting, given your heritage."

"Loki, God of Mischief, does not wear _onesies_ ," Loki spat. "I hope the rest of you have bought me better gifts than this."

In the end, most of them ended up with what were _probably_ the right gifts. Loki got another pair of knives, a tub of potted moss, a 'brew your own mead' kit, and a charger for his tab-lutt.

Valkyrie didn't do too bad, either. Her first gift was a bottle of amazing hair conditioner that Thor _totally_ wasn't jealous of. Then, she got a thoughtful pair of winter gloves, a tub of potted moss and, from Thor, a gift certificate for a local spa. Her final gift was a small plastic toy horse, from Loki.

Hulk pushed his way to the front of the gift line. By then, everybody had started to remember which presents they'd wrapped and for who, so Hulk got a new pair of pants from Valkyrie, a pot of moss from Korg, a bathrobe from Heimdall who probably regretted being all-seeing at times, and a 'Strongest Avenger' novelty t-shirt in size XXXXXXXXXXL, from Thor. Loki bought him a bag of dog kibble.

"It good present for Fenny," said Hulk, "but what Loki get for Hulk?"

"That _is_ for you," Loki grinned.

Heimdall was given a book about wooing Earth females, by Valkyrie—a gift that made him blush. Thor hadn't thought the old guy capable of it! Korg gifted him with a pot of moss, Hulk with a fine quality whetstone, and Loki a pair of sunglasses with plastic daisies on the sides. Thor's gift to his oldest and dearest friend and confidant was…

"A onesie?" asked Heimdall, holding the material up.

"They were on a special two-for-one offer," Thor explained. "This is something called 'Sven.' It looked very noble on the image on the website."

Korg got a box of stones from everybody, but he really liked stones and was thrilled with the variety in each box. "I had no idea you guys were so savvy about how I like to decorate my room! This is so thoughtful, thank you so much!"

Finally, it was Thor's turn to receive gifts, and he was already anticipating a tub of moss. Loki stepped forward first, however, and brandished his gift. "It's more of a sentimental thing, really," Loki explained as Thor tore into the paper. What he found underneath was a Mjölnir plushie. "Just something for you to cuddle up to at nights," Loki explained. "I know how much you miss your compensation tool."

"Brother, this is uncharacteristically thoughtful of you!" said Thor. He reached out to pull his brother into a hug, but Loki nimbly evaded him and thrust Valkyrie forward in his place. The glare she gave him said if he carried on attempting the hug, he and his unborn children would regret it.

"A gift worthy a king," she said, handing over her present. "Merry X-MASS, your majesty."

"Thank you," he said, tearing through the paper. "Just what I've always wanted, a… Mjölnir plushie?"

Valkyrie shrugged, and Heimdall stepped forward. "At first I felt bad about getting you this," he said. "But that was before the onesie."

It turned out to be another Mjölnir plushie. And when Hulk tossed his suspiciously light present to Thor, it turned out to be exactly the same.

"Hulk buy in bulk. Get big discount."

"Aww, now I feel like the odd man out!" Korg whined. "I wish we'd co-ordinated gifts before buying. Now I'm the only guy who didn't buy our king a soft weapon!"

"Technically he's not _your_ king," Loki pointed out.

"And besides," said Thor, "this pot of moss is a very welcome change."

"Hellooo?" called a new voice. Astrid stepped through the door and waved at the gathered group. "You're all getting into the Christmas spirit, I see!"

"The what?" asked Thor. "No, we're celebrating X-MASS. You must be thinking of something else."

"Did you bring gifts?" Loki asked.

"Just this," said Astrid. She produced something small and green from her pocket.

"A twig? I'm hardly impressed. Unless it is a singing, dancing, fighting twig, of course. Then I shall be marginally impressed."

"What is it for?" Heimdall asked her.

She winked at him. "Why don't you come out here in the corridor, and I'll show you?"

He hid the dating book beneath his pile of presents before hurrying out after Astrid. Thor turned to his friends with a huge grin on his face. "I think our first X-MASS on Midgard has gone very well. Now, let us feast, consume alcohol, and be jolly!"

* * *

Fresh food filled the longest table in the dining hall. The mead flowed freely, and in the corner, a shank of meat was turning slowly on a spit. Astrid joined them for X-MASS dinner, and Loki brought Justin out from his tank to sit beside them on the table and enjoy the sight of something other than slugs, while Fenrir lazed in front of the fire.

"A toast," said Thor, raising his flagon high, "to each and every one of you. There is no finer group of people I would rather be here with. Except maybe the Avengers. But you're a close second!"

"And to you, Thor," Astrid added, "for handling things so well after you and your people sought refuge on Earth. I have to ask, though; where did you get all this lamb at such short notice?"

"Ahh, I found several small white creatures wandering docilely in a field, so I slew them in valiant battle," he said. A shame none of the skalds had made it off Asgard; it would've been a battle to makes songs of! "They are tastier than I'd imagined."

Hulk grabbed one of the legs of lamb from a platter and waved it in the air above his head. "Fenny want play? Fetch!" He threw the meat with such force that it went right through the wall. Always happy to engage in destruction, the wolf went through the wall after it.

"So, have you thought about what you're going to do next?" Astrid asked.

"Drink more," said Valkyrie.

"Hulk have bath."

"Personally, I intend to continue taunting Justin-fans on Twitter," said Loki.

"No, I meant, what you're going to do in the grand scheme of things," Astrid clarified. "I mean, now that you're here, and relatively safe. What's your overall goal?"

"To be honest," said Thor, "I'm just taking one day at a time. I've learnt from experience that grand plans rarely come to fruition. No, I'm just happy to be here in the company of friends."

At that moment, Fenrir returned with something in his mouth. But it wasn't the hunk of meat the Hulk had thrown for him; it was a plush Mjölnir with half its stuffing hanging out.

"Well look at that," Loki laughed. "I guess Fenrir is worthy after all."

Thor fixed a scowl on the wolf and pushed himself to his feet. "FENRIR!"

* * *

 _Author's note: Happy Christmas to all my readers!_

* * *

As the clock struck midnight, Loki opened his door and stuck his head out into the corridor. All was quiet. All was still. The perfect chance to strike. Nobody would be expecting him.

He pulled the hood of the onesie up to protect his ears from the cold of the longhouse. Stepping out of his room, he hurried down the corridor towards the dining hall, grabbed an unopened bag of popped corn from one of the tables, and dashed back to his room before anybody could see him.


	5. Loki Meets Tom

Sibling Rivalry

 _5\. Loki Meets Tom_

 _In which Loki is propositioned by a Hollywood filmmaker to play an upcoming leading role._

* * *

As he passed down the corridor between his room and Loki's, Thor stopped. Something wasn't right. The longhouse was unusually… _quiet_. It was very unlike Loki to be quiet for so long. He spent most of his days nagging Astrid for petty things—unlike Thor's own genuine requests for most important hair conditioner—and bemoaning his exiled state.

Perhaps he should check up on Loki. He'd promised the people of Earth that he would be responsible for his brother's actions on the planet, and he couldn't afford to let his brother start making mischief. Not after that whole _chitauri_ incident.

He found Loki relaxing at his ease in his pleather chair, his feet up on the table where he took his meals. His nose was practically buried in a thick pile of papers he held between his hands, across the front of which the word [DRAFT] had been stamped.

"Mother would have words to say if she caught you with your feet on the table," he said.

Loki didn't even bother looking up. "Oh please. Have you forgotten that Valborgmässoafton festival five years ago when you and Volstagg got so drunk that you both passed out on top of the feasting table? Mother barely batted an eye."

"Yes, but still, it's not polite to do it in the mud-homes the mortals have made for us." He swatted Loki's legs down from the table, and his brother glared at him. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"If you must know, I'm taking the first steps towards absolute fame and glory. _This_ ," he held up the large wad of papers, "is a script. You see, somebody has finally recognised my great talent for theatricals. I am to star in a leading role in a new moving picture."

"Oh really?" Thor stifled a grin. "And what fair maiden shall you be playing?"

"Your immature skepticism wounds me, brother," Loki fibbed. "Actually, I am to play a man named Tom."

"Tom?"

Loki waved his hand dismissively. "I know, the name is just terrible, I can't imagine myself as a 'Tom', but I'm sure there is wiggle room. At any rate, the role is perfect for me."

"Tell me about it."

"Well," Loki cleared his throat and consulted the script, "Tom is described as a tall, dark-haired young man, intelligent and studious, and filled with a burning ambition to rule. Apparently, his intensity is that of a coiled viper, and his eyes smoulder like hot coals. It says here that he's the world's most powerful wizard—clearly much more powerful than Dr. Stupid—and that he's destined for great things."

"Does he perhaps have an older brother? A strapping man with a head of flowing locks?" Thor ran his hand over his short hair. _Soon_ , he told himself. _Soon._

Loki's gaze danced down the page of the script. "Hmm… No, thank Odin. Apparently, Tom is an only child. I can relate. I wish I was an only child."

Thor peered over the top of the script and read a few words upside down. "What's a _Voldemort_?"

"Probably some mythical Midgard beast," Loki shrugged. "Nothing important, I'm sure. At any rate, I'll be accepting the part and flying out to Hollywood at the end of the week. I'll need you to look after Justin while I'm gone." He gestured to the terrarium. "Once the mortals have seen me performing on the large viewing device, I'll have maidens throwing themselves at me."

"You can't go to Hollywood, Loki."

"I can, Astrid already gave me permission, so long as I take that oversized green ogre with me. Apparently I need 'babysitting'" he air-quoted. "I can't believe she thinks _the Hulk_ is less destructive than me!"

"You'll hate Hollywood," Thor warned.

"Nonsense. I've watched many of their movies on my tablet. The sights. The sounds. The colours! Everything is bright and wonderful. The women are all exquisitely beautiful, and people burst into song and dance without the slightest provocation. The music is lively and the romances are deeply complex. Everybody is filled with an inexplicable joy at being alive. Now, I'm going to engage in gainful and legitimate employment to contribute to this world's great economy—unlike a certain free-loading King—and you can't stop me!" Loki stuck his tongue out, and Thor decided to leave it there. Loki had a very short attention span, and would tire of being Tom soon enough.

* * *

The plane touched down in some placed called Lax, and Loki disembarked with the Hulk at his heels.

"I nominate you to carry our bags," said Loki. He'd brought eight luggage bags, but the Hulk could manage them. The brute had only brought one spare loin-cloth, anyway.

A chauffeur picked them up at the airport, and ushered them into a sleek black motor vehicle. The Hulk was too big to comfortably fit, but the driver opened a window in the top of the car to allow him to sit with his head out. He seemed to be enjoying himself, roaring at passers-by, laughing as they scurried in fear.

"We have now arrived at the studio," the driver said. "Mr. Steelcurd will be meeting you at the main gates. If you'd like to disembark, I'll take your bags on to your hotel."

"Be sure we're housed in separate rooms, on separate floors," Loki told him. "The Hulk snores terribly. It's like an earthquake."

Mr. Steelcurd was a small man with a funny flat hat and a pair of dark goggles over his eyes. He shook Loki's hand, and Hulk's fist, and introduced his assistant, Simon. Simon kept glancing nervously at the Hulk. Loki couldn't blame him.

"Welcome, welcome!" said Steelcurd. "Would you like to meet some of your co-stars?"

"Co-stars?" asked Loki.

"The other people in the movie."

"There will be other people? I thought this movie would be about me. I mean, about Tom."

"Didn't you read the script?"

"The first two pages, yes. It seemed promising."

"Err. Right. Well. I'm sure you can be catching up on the rest while your agent signs your contract."

"What's an agent?"

Mr. Steelcurd shared a glance with Simon. It was one of _those_ glances. The sort father shared with mother whenever their sons got into trouble. Perhaps Mr. Steelcurd and Simon were together. In bed.

"Your agent is the person who reads your contracts to make sure everything is fair, and is responsible for negotiating your fees."

"Ahhh. Yes. Of course. I have one of those. Mr. Hulk is my agent. He's very good at negotiating."

The Hulk grinned and smashed his fist into his palm. "Hulk like raging fire. Hulk get good fees."

Simon paled. Mr. Steelcurd looked like he might vomit.

"You mentioned co-stars?" Loki prompted. "Can I refer to them as 'underlings'?"

"Err, sure. Your co-stars are the people who will act for or against your character, either supporting him or acting against him to give him agency."

"Alright, alright, let's do the meeting. Then we can get started with the negotiating."

Mr. Steelcurd took him through the studio—a hot, dusty place—and to a meeting room. One thing Loki noticed was that everybody seemed to be wearing dark goggles, like Steelcurd. Maybe it was a Hollywood thing.

Inside the meeting room were a half-dozen people, including two children, three men, and a skinny blonde woman. Mr. Steelcurd became much more animated as he introduced the cast. "And Jennifer is going to be your main co-star," he said to Loki.

Loki ran his gaze over the diminutive woman. Her head appeared too large for her body, which was clearly in dire need of a feast or two, and with a pair of the largest dark goggles Loki had ever seen covering her eyes, she looked more like some strange alien than a mortal from Midgard.

"I don't understand," he said, as his hopes were dashed on the shores of reality. "Where's the singing? The dancing? The colourful outfits? I was expecting beautiful women, not this frail twig-creature with an overly large head. And what is with the goggles? This isn't what Hollywood is supposed to be!"

"Um… what?" Mr. Steelcurd removed the goggles and blinked at him in the dazed manner of a simpleton. Loki could tell he was going to have to use his patient, explain-things-to-Thor tone of voice.

"Look, I have watched many Hollywood movies, and if there is one thing I know, it's that there is always singing and dancing. You know, _my cousin's cousin loves me but I'm already in three love triangles_ sort of thing." Now, the dazed blinking had spread to the others. "Long dresses. Voluptuous dark-skinned beauties. Men wearing funny hats."

Simon whispered something into Steelcurd's ear. They were definitely slash together, Loki decided.

"Oh," said Mr. Steelcurd. "I think you're talking about _Bollywood._ "

"What's the difference?"

"Well, it's in a different place. And they use different actors. And there's lots of singing."

"As opposed to Hollywood, in which everybody hates their lives so much that they starve themselves until they're skeletons and hide behind dark goggles so they can pretend they're not really here?"

"Err… yes?"

Loki turned to the Hulk. "Come along, jolly green giant, we're going to Bollywood!"

"But what about the movie?!" Steelcurd wheedled. "Bollywood doesn't care about Tom!"

"And neither do I. It's a stupid name, anyway. Who wants to be Tom when they can be Loki, God of Mischief?"

"You can't do this! We paid for your flights, and your accommodations!"

Glancing over his shoulder, Loki smiled. "You'll have to discuss that with my agent."

As he left the studio, the whole place was filled with the rumble of the Hulk laughing.


	6. Avengers 30

Sibling Rivalry

 _6\. Avengers 3.0_

 _In which Thor discovers the horrible truth about fame._

* * *

The hair extensions were soft and silky as Thor toyed with them between his fingers. They weren't his _exact_ colour, but they were the closest Astrid had been able to acquire. Sometimes, desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Ah, there you are, brother."

As Loki came sauntering into his bedroom unannounced, Thor shoved the extensions into the drawer of his official King desk.

"Yes, here I am, in my bedroom, where I sleep and do other personal things. Now, kindly go away, brother; I require some personal time."

"You're acting very suspiciously," Loki accused. "What are you up to?"

Thor sneakily slid his cell-telephone from his pocket and held it up for Loki to see. "If you must know, I was conversing with maidens on the dating app."

"Maidens can wait." Loki pulled his tab-lutt from beneath the flowing green-and-black cloak he'd taken to wearing. "I came to gloat."

"About what?"

"According to the internet, I rank more highly than you on the list of Eligible Bachelors of 2017."

"Impossible!"

"Very possible. You see, whilst you have been hiding yourself away, sulking about your hair and failing to woo maidens on dating apps, I have been raising my public profile via social media and carefully edited magazine interviews." Loki cleared his throat and read from his tab-lutt. "' _The Prince of Lies has cultivated an aura of mystery around himself', 'Unlike his older brother, Loki has that whole "potentially redeemable bad boy" vibe in which he clearly enjoys basking. And how we'd love to bask with him!', 'Voted #2 on What Man's 'Sexiest Cloak of the Year' list.'_ Stupid Dr. Stupid," Loki grumbled. "You see, brother, not only are you not the _strongest_ Avenger, you're also not even the most _desirable_ Avenger."

"What?" Thor scoffed loudly. "You're not even an Avenger, Loki."

Loki grinned and turned. As he sauntered out of the room, he glanced over his shoulder, and said, "Not yet."

Thor couldn't let that comment stand. His whole world was slowly crumbling. First his hair, then his status as the strongest Avenger, and now _Loki_ was beating him in a popularity contest? The mortals _hated_ Loki! He leapt out of his chair and followed his brother down the corridor.

"What do you mean, 'not yet'? You would never be accepted as an Avenger. Nobody trusts you. Nobody _likes_ you. There isn't a single Avenger alive who wouldn't happily see you permanently in chains."

"Well, according to the internet, I'm a shoe-in for the next iteration of the Avengers team."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"Is it?" Loki handed him the tab-lutt, and sure enough, there was an article on who the next Avengers were likely to be. "You see, brother. It will be me, Hulk—we bonded during our recent trip to Hollywood and did a few photo-shoots for the public—some fellow with a metal arm, and an amazing shrinking-growing man. There may be a token female." Loki grinned. "It may be you."

No no no no no! This couldn't be happening! How could the people of Midgard be crazy enough to think _Loki_ would make a good defender of their world? Apparently, Loki read his inner turmoil; he answered without being asked.

"Seems every team needs some morally dubious genius to root for. They think I'd make a good replacement for the tin-man. I must say, I'm looking forward to working with these people in the future. Your own so-called friends must be such a disappointment to you."

"...What do you mean?" Thor asked.

"Well, you've been here on Earth for a couple of months now, and how many of them have come by to see you? How many of them have even sent you a letter, or an electronic mail, or even an X-MASS card? You'd think that the return of their great friend, Thor, would bring them running for a reunion. But no, they're all to absorbed in their own so-called problems to come and see their friend. Their friend who just lost his father. Their friend whose entire world was just destroyed, leaving him homeless and destitute."

"I'm sure they're all busy doing… um… heroic things."

Loki took a step closer, to whisper, "They didn't even send you flowers." And with that, he skipped off back to his own quarters.

Thor trudged back to his room, where he became mired in a fog of depression. How could this have happened? Was it because he'd lost his hair? Had that been the true source of his power all along? And more importantly, how could he turn this around?

He grabbed his own tab-lutt and consulted the internet. Loki had been busy. His interviews were everywhere. His _picture_ was everywhere. He'd posed for selfies atop the Statue of Liberty. He'd stood pensively staring up at the Washington Monument. He'd wore green on Moscow's Red Square. He'd pretended to be crushed by the world's largest ball of twine in some place called Kansas. And _when_ had he had time, or opportunity, to ride a wooden roller coaster in Tivoli with the Hulk?

It didn't end there. Loki was on Facebook. He was on Twitter and Instagram and Tumblr and LinkedIn and a bunch of other things Thor didn't understand. And worse, people seemed to _like_ him. To like the pictures, and the interviews, and the status updates. To add insult to injury, some articles and pictures _counted_ his likes, and there were a lot of them. Meanwhile, an article written about Thor in something called _Forbes_ , described him as "The King of Refugees."

This was intolerable! He had to do something. He had to win back the hearts and minds of the people he'd protected from the very man who'd tried to enslave them! Starting from today, he would retake his title as the most desirable Avenger.

* * *

 _Your username has been changed from_ **LonelyInLillehammer** _to_ **Thor, Mightiest Avenger**

 _You have an incoming message from_ **Bunny111** _. Would you like to open the message?_

[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: Open Message.

[Bunny111]: Hi hunny.

[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: Greetings, fair maiden! Err, you *are* a maiden, are you not?

[Bunny111]: Yes I'm a girl.

[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: Splendid! How fares your day so far?

[Bunny111]: Good thanks. Yours?

[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: It's been a roller coaster, I must say. But it's made me realise that I can't sit alone forever, despairing over the things I have lost, longing for the times that will never be again. I must move on, to greener pastures, and new opportunities.

[Bunny111]: Cool.

[Bunny111]: So, can you introduce me to your brother?

[You have terminated the conversation]


End file.
